I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm like, not good at living.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
