She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
