life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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