I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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