so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
