so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
