No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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