...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
