I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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