Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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