dude i'm inner monologue high
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
