Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Welp...herpes.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
