I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
