Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So many bounce houses so little time
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
