At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
