Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
