I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
