I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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