so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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