I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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