he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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