She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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