I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
