im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
