I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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