Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
