Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
