Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
