There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
