I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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