Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Randomize
