What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
barbara walters just said penis...
People in love make me want to vomit
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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