just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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