i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
