She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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