If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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