Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
