I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
