We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
