In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
