I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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