At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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