I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
