he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
