Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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