Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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