my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
