a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
