Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
