FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
tell me about the eggs
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