I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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