Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
