i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
