life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
