i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
