Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
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Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
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Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties