After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this