my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
