So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
